


Defenseless

by Dreamformetoo



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: First Kiss, Idiots in Love, M/M, Simon missed Baz, a whole lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 04:39:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16277990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamformetoo/pseuds/Dreamformetoo
Summary: Baz is back at Watford and Simon is surprisingly relieved.





	Defenseless

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, I wondered what could have happened if Baz being missing had pushed Simon into realizing his feelings instead of the Forest Fire. They argue, they kiss, what more could you ask for?

Simon Snow is going to kill me.

This isn’t the first time I’ve thought this, and it certainly won’t be the last, but after what I’ve just been through, it’s causing a bit more concern than usual.

I’ve only been back at Watford for an hour, and while I did make a rather dramatic entrance, I’d hoped to have a normal first day back. Dev and Niall seem to have gotten that memo, at least. Though I can tell they both have questions, they don’t ask anything. They just continue on as usual. After being so fussed over at home, it’s nice for someone to let me pour my own tea. It’s the little things.

“He’s got that look in his eye again,” Dev mutters next to me. “And he won’t stop staring.”

Niall rolls his eyes. We don’t have to ask who Dev’s talking about. 

Dev and Niall have grown bored of Snow’s constant presence in our lives. I think the fun was ruined for them in fifth year. Something about Snow glaring at us all through football practice every day really put them off the Baz vs. Snow feud they’d loved when we were younger. If only I could say the same.

“I bet he was a menace while I was away,” I comment, deliberately not looking towards Snow’s table. He’s been glaring at me for twenty minutes straight now and by the way it feels like he’s actually _trying_ to burn me alive, it must look a fright.

“He wouldn’t leave us alone for a while there,” Niall says. “It’s like he thought we had you holed away somewhere, ready to pounce. Honestly, I don’t know what Wellbelove saw in him.”

Saw, not sees? I guess Snow and his Wellbelove finally split. That would explain why she’s sitting all the way across the room. I decide not to comment and glance over at Snow instead. Merlin, he does have that look in his eye. The one that says that if I don’t look away now, he might just come over and punch me.

I blink and bring my mug up to take a long drink of tea, not taking my eyes off of him. Then I give him the finger.

Instead of growling in frustration and storming away from the table like I expect, Snow’s face goes red and he shoves a whole scone in his mouth as he looks away. Interesting.

**Simon**

I didn’t know how I would feel when Baz came back. (I was so close to giving up hope that he even _would._ ) I thought I would want to fight him. Make him tell me everything. Where he’s been. Why he was gone so long. What he was up to.

I don’t feel angry, though. I feel fucking relieved. 

Baz is back. He’s not off plotting, or sick, or spying for the Old Families. He’s back. He’s _here_. 

And he looks terrible. I mean, he still looks fit. But he also looks fucking exhausted. Like he hasn’t slept in years and hasn’t eaten, either. 

Instead of wanting to punch him like I’d expected to feel, I want to drag him back to our room and cover him in blankets. I want to pull him into my arms to make sure he never disappears ever again. What’s wrong with me? 

Baz looks over, right into my eyes, and takes a drink of tea. I think he’s trying to pick a fight and while I do want to rush him, I also feel this urge to just...grab him. Keep him close to me. I didn’t realize before he was gone how much I actually like having him around. How much I _need_ him around. 

He gives me the finger and for the first time in my life, I feel embarrassed for being caught looking at him. I feel my face heat and shove a scone in my mouth to distract myself from whatever the fuck I’m feeling. (What _am_ I feeling?) 

All I know is that I was one day away from running to Baz’s house and demanding to see him. And now he’s here, looking tired, and fit, and… And I don’t think I’m upset about it at all. Fuck. 

**Baz**

When I get back to our room later that day, Snow is sitting on his bed, staring out the window. His head snaps up when I pull the door closed behind me and I give him a sneer.

“Forget I was back?”

Snow frowns and stands as I walk across the room.

“Where have you been? Why do you look like someone’s kept you in a tower or something? Where _were_ you?”

I roll my eyes and lean back against my desk.

“Are you done with the interrogation, Snow? I think we’ve long established that my business is none of yours.”

Snow growls and takes a step towards me.

“That’s a lie, Baz, and you know it. You were gone and I...I…”

“Spit it out, Snow.”

He pulls at his hair and looks toward the ground.

“I _missed you,_ alright?”

My stomach flips and I grab the edges of my desk behind me. I can’t say that I expected that at all. He missed me? What is that supposed to mean?

“What are you even talking about? You _missed_ me? Did you suffer some sort of brain damage while I was gone? Hit your head on a rock or something? Why would you miss someone you hate?”

Snow growls again and takes another step closer to me. I think about pushing him away but I’m too weak. He looks so sincere; I almost believe that he actually did miss me.

“Because I don’t hate you, Baz. I don’t… When you were gone I went mental and I thought…”

“My absence must really _have_ made you go mad. Simon Snow with a thought? How original.”

I can’t take this. He’s so close now I can feel his breath (mouth breather) and the way he’s talking is making me nervous. If I’m not careful, I might do something I’ll regret. Like pull him closer by his collar. Lick his chin. Kiss that stupid mouth.

Snow growls again and I deepen my scowl.

“Come on, Snow. Use your words.” 

He rubs a hand over his face and speaks like the words are being torn from him. 

“I thought I would be angry that you’re back but I’m fucking relieved, alright? Not knowing where you were, whether you were okay, I couldn’t stop thinking about you! And now you’re here and I don’t want to go back to how we were. I can’t. I give a shit about you and I don’t think I can pretend that I don’t.” 

Merlin and Morgana, this is not happening. If I weren’t leaning against my desk, I think my bad leg would have gone out. Who does he think he is, just deciding we won’t be enemies any longer? If he thinks I’m going to let that happen then he’s dead wrong. I thought it couldn’t get any worse than being in love with Snow and having him hate me, but being _friends?_ I’d rather die. 

I cross my arms and give him my best down the nose stare. 

“Of course you give a shit about me, Snow. You’re the Chosen One. You give a shit about everybody, whether they deserve it or not. It’s one of your many, many faults.” 

His jaw clenches and I take that as my cue to continue. I’ll get him to change his mind, realize he’s just too kind for his own good, and then we can go back to fighting in peace.

“Snow, you don’t actually care about me. I can’t believe I have to say this, but you’re the good guy. You probably just felt like me going missing was your fault somehow, because you’re so used to everything revolving around Simon Snow, The Mage’s Heir. Well, it doesn’t. I’m back and I’m fine and I give you permission to hate me. That’s kind of our thing, if you hadn’t noticed.” 

Snow’s blue eyes are piercing me. 

“You went missing?” he asks, voice so low a human probably wouldn’t have heard it. 

Chompsky, I did say that, didn’t I? 

“So what?” I sneer. 

His hands clench into fists and he’s staring at my neck. I can feel his magic rising, that burning, sticky feeling that means trouble. 

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” He practically shouts. Snow kicks at my chair. “I could’ve helped find you! I would’ve found you sooner!” 

I roll my eyes. 

“Snow, why on earth would my family tell _you_ anything? We’re mortal enemies. We hate each other!” 

Snow growls and takes that one step closer, into my space and far, far too close for my black heart to handle. 

“We’re not enemies, Baz.”

I actually shiver hearing him say my name so close. 

“Sure we are,” I reply. My voice is too soft. If he’s going to stand this close to me I may as well savor it. “If I’d have died, you would have been sad, but soon have moved on to live your very boring, too good life.”

“No,” he growls.

“No?” I feel my eyebrow raise in skepticism. “Alright, maybe you would swear to avenge my death, do-gooder that you are. The next time I get kidnapped, I’ll be sure to have my family inform you of the culprit. Then you can track them down and blow them to pieces, like you apparently want. Rid the world of sin, and all that.”

**Simon**

He was _kidnapped?_ This whole time he’s been kidnapped. By who? For what reason? 

I have a lot of questions, but I won’t ask them. I feel this tightness growing in my chest and it gets worse whenever we make eye contact. I stepped closer to him and now I feel like I’m going to explode. And he won’t shut up. 

He continues his rant but I take the time to look him over. Kidnapped. No wonder he looks like shit. He looks paler than usual and pinched around the eyes, like the light is bothering him. Without thinking, I reach up to touch his face. 

Baz’s voice fades off and he stares at me. Has he always looked at me like this? I feel like his eyes are burning a hole straight through me. The tightness in my chest gets worse. 

My hand is on his cheek, holding him there. 

Kidnapped. 

Someone took him and I didn’t even know. Would never have known if he hadn’t come back and used it as a way to argue with me. He could’ve died and no one would have told me. 

“Snow, what are you doing?” Baz whispers. His eyes are wide. He looks afraid. 

My brow furrows. Is he afraid of me? The whole point of this was to show him that he doesn’t need to be afraid of me. I move my thumb to sort of...caress his face. It’s soft and cold. 

Instead of pushing me away or spitting at me, he closes his eyes. He looks so _tired_. But at least he’s not arguing anymore. My touch is doing loads better to convince him that I care than my words were, I guess. 

“I’m not your enemy, Baz,” I whisper. “I don’t want you to go missing and I really don’t want you to die.” 

Baz’s eyes open to stare at me. He still doesn’t move away. 

“You say that now, but when the time comes, we both know that you’ll be the one to burn me to the ground.” 

He shrugs like what he’s saying isn’t the worst possible thing that could happen. 

“Things will collide and everyone will be fighting and there we’ll be. On opposite sides, ready to tear each other apart whether we want to or not. I’ve thought about it a lot, though I’m not surprised you haven’t.” 

He gives me a small, sad smile and I can feel myself tensing. 

“All I ask is for a quick death, Snow. Just do-” 

My hand on his cheek slides back to grab at his neck, pulling his face forward and into mine. 

**Baz**

He shoves his face into mine like he wants to eat me. 

For a moment I think he’s going to headbutt me and I worry about the Anathema. 

But then his lips are on mine and my mind goes suddenly, blissfully blank. All I can do is focus on the feeling of his chapped lips moving against mine. He’s kissing me desperately and as he starts to pull away, I realize I didn’t even react. Just froze up like an idiot. 

The hand at my neck starts to slide away. 

That is the absolute last thing I want to happen. I grab at his waist, pulling him closer to me. Our foreheads knock together and my grip on his waist tightens. 

“Simon,” I say, moving back towards his mouth. 

This kiss is better. I feel him tense against me for a moment, but it must just be the initial shock because then his mouth opens and I can’t believe this is happening. 

I’m kissing Simon Snow. 

**Simon**

Baz is kissing me like his life depends on it. His hands are at my waist, grip intense and possessive. His mouth is so cold but his tongue pushes into my mouth like he’s on fire. 

I didn’t know kissing could be like this, but I probably should have expected it with Baz. We’re fighting even when we’re not. He’s pulling at me with his hands and I’m pushing at him with my face and pulling at his soft hair. I bite at his bottom lip and he groans into my mouth. 

**Baz**

Snow bites my lip and suddenly I’m groaning into his mouth and I can feel my bad leg slipping out from under me. Our mouths disconnect and my head hits his jaw as I catch myself. Merlin, this is embarrassing. 

“Sorry, my leg isn’t...it’s...Sorry.” 

Snow just stares at me, mouth swollen and eyes intense. Without a word his hands are suddenly at my waist and I feel myself lifted up and onto my desk. I always have a good three inches on him but now I’m almost a head above him. I reach down to pull his face closer to mine but he moves first. 

Snow buries his face into my neck and sighs. 

“I don’t hate you,” he mumbles into my shoulder. His breath on my neck makes me shiver and I push my hands into his curls. 

“Sure you do. You can hate me and miss me at the same time, you know.” 

I don’t know why I’m saying this. Why I’m trying to talk him out of this while at the same time I’m winding my fingers into his hair. I’m deranged. 

He growls and bites at my neck. My hands spasm in his hair. 

“Simon,” I breathe. 

“I don’t fucking hate you, Baz. You’re an arrogant git but I...I think I _like_ you. A lot, actually. I didn’t just miss you when you were gone, I went mad without you here. You weren’t here to argue with me over everything, or sneak looks at me in class, or...or scowl at me like you do.” 

I think I stop breathing. Simon Snow has his arms around me, telling me that he doesn’t hate me. He likes me. 

“Just…” he starts. Snow pulls his head back to look me in the eyes. The softness I see there almost makes me vomit. I’m panicking, definitely panicking. 

My hands move to his shoulders, where I push him back a step, putting space between us. (What am I _doing?_ ) 

“Fuck off, Snow. You don’t just suddenly _feel_ things for someone, especially when they’re not even there. You sound like some sort of idiot right now. Oh wait, you _are_ an idiot, I’d almost forgotten.” 

(Stop. Stop stop stop.) 

“You missed me and now I’m back and we can go back to that happy picture you just painted. You can annoy me to death and I’ll go back to pushing you down stairs. Is that what you want?” 

**Simon**

I groan and push a hand into the front of my hair. 

“Just shut _up,_ Baz.” 

He’s trying to push me away and it won’t work. I can tell he feels something for me too. His words are harsh but his eyes are still soft, molten almost. And despite pushing me away, his hands are still on my shoulders, squeezing tightly like he’s afraid I’m going to walk away. I won’t. 

“Put your weapons away. Just...just…” 

“Just what, Snow?” 

His voice is softer and I can tell he’s weakening. He may pretend not to give a shit but I know him. I know him better than anyone.

“Just _be with me._ Don’t push me away, because I’m not leaving. I’m not going back to how we were.” I shake my head. “I told you I can’t.” 

Baz’s eyes search mine and his hands slide from my shoulders to my elbows. 

“You’re serious,” he whispers. 

I nod and step closer to him, hands moving back to his waist. 

“It’s not...it’s not a surrender, Baz. Not if we’re both doing this together. No one has to win or lose, here.” 

**Baz**

I close my eyes and force myself to put my weapons down. I shove the negative thoughts to the back of my mind for a moment, just to clear my head and keep myself from ruining this any further. 

He’s right. Merlin and Morgana, Snow is right about this. We don’t have to fight. He doesn’t want to fight. He wants this. He wants _me._

I open my eyes and find that his are already staring into mine. Whatever he sees must be good, because his whole face transforms. His grin is huge and his eyes are practically glowing. 

“Shut up,” I sigh. “Just...don’t talk.” 

He shrugs. “Alright.” 

And then he grabs my face and pulls me down to meet him halfway in a kiss almost as intense as our last. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, pulling him impossibly closer. 

Simon Snow is going to kill me.

**Author's Note:**

> (I listened to the song Weapons by Hudson Taylor about fifty million times while I wrote this.)
> 
> Find me on tumblr at dreamformetoo!


End file.
